Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
