trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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