Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize