i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
