i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
