she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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