she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize