also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
