I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
