wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize