You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
True strength comes from lack of pants
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
