my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
