Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
