so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
