My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
