There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
