Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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