i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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