you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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