Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
