if i can run in heels then i can drive
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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