You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
