Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
