one two three fourrrrnication!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
