Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
