this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
