i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
