As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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