1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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