when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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