you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
