The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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