i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
