Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
