I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
