Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It's just like the Real World with babies
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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