White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
