I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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