It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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