Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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