the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
