When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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