Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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