my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
