Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
