Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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