never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
