the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
