Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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