Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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