you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
