Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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