So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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