Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
