they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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