cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
