The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
