My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
