So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
