My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize