if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
