To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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