I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
