My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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